- There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives – the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognize it. The poor you may have right in your own family. Find them. Love them. ~Mother Teresa
Lately, I’ve been sort of disturbed by all the positive psychology out there that seems to neglect one basic thing: We all suffer. If we are human, we will suffer, and to deny that is denying a very important part of our existence.
Sure, we don’t want to suffer, but alas, we do, and sometimes there’s nothing we can do to avoid it: things happen that are beyond our control, and we hurt because of them. If we take the positive psychology movement at face value, it negates something very vital, something that’s very much a part of the human experience, and we cannot live a rich, full life without acknowledging it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for cultivating a positive attitude, but not to the point where we become desensitized. The relentless pursuit of happiness, the focus on it to the exclusion of pain and suffering, is very limiting. It may initially feel safe, but the insulation required trying maintain this state in the face of all things becomes suffocating, both for ourselves and the world around us.
When we judge our own pain or that of others as not valuable or negative, we deny part of our humanness. And in doing so we live in a fragmented state, disconnected from ourselves and from others.
Do people really stop and slow down at accidents on the highway because they have a lust for gore? I don’t so; I think subconsciously we are trying to break out of that insulation, to find something that will reconnect us with our aliveness, yet we don’t know how.
Suffering is a common thread that is shared by all of human existence. But being in touch with our own suffering helps us cultivate compassion, for ourselves and for others. Yet we try so hard to disconnect to that which makes our existence wholer and more meaningful. Where is the compassion for ourselves, and for our neighbors? Do we really, as the human race, want to continue to disconnect from something that unites us all?
Listen to how the news is conveyed. Machinegun style, bulleted facts about death, accidents, horrific and disturbing events. Behind those news items, people are hurting. Families have lost loved ones. Our very human brothers and sisters are suffering. Where is the emotion? Where is the compassion?
The content of the news is negative, we all know that. But the very way the news is communicated sends a dangerous, inhuman message for society to internalize: Do not connect with suffering, do not connect with compassion. Disconnect from your emotions if they are not positive, and disconnect from others, too.
If Mother Teresa delivered the same news stories, or Jesus, the Dalai Lama or Buddha, would they be able to convey them in the same manner? How different would they sound, and what effect would that have on those of us who watch and listen?
I think we’d be moved.
Our own suffering, and that of our human brothers and sisters, would be validated. Instead of shunned, sensationalized, or veiled behind a meaningless cloak of “objectivity”, it would be brought into the light. And whatever is brought into the light can be healed.
I think we’re tired of living in a world that’s so desensitized. We’re tired of always putting on our “best face” for the world to see. When people are suffering they don’t want to hear “Cheer up”. “Be strong” also implies that’s it’s not okay to feel weak. People hide when they’re hurting because they don’t want to go out in a world that’s not going to accept them.
And it’s not that the suffering need pity, either, because no one wants that. What people need most is to be validated. To know and to feel that they are understood, that their experience is real, authentic, and that they are still worthy of acceptance.
Being fully and wholly alive requires awareness, acceptance and loving kindness for ourselves and for others. It means embracing all of life, of which suffering, pain, loss and sorrow are a genuine part. We cannot simply just stomp them out, they are part of our experience.
The emotional river of life that connects us all includes so many things; suffering is just as much a shared human experience as happiness is, and deserves equal acknowledgement. We must let the river of life flow, we cannot choose which emotions to let through and which ones not to. It doesn’t work that way.
To be there for others, to recognize when someone is in need, we need to first be there for ourselves. And that requires compassion. If we can accept our own suffering as valid, and allow ourselves to experience it without judgement, we also become more open to accepting it in others, and we become more connected.
In acknowledging pain and loss we are all given the chance to be made anew, to become whole again. If we accept this, we create an opportunity for healing. And when we realize that all human beings suffer, we open to finding our compassion, and through that we are able to embrace ourselves, and others too, with loving kindness.
It is from there that we can affect real positive change, in ourselves, and in the world around us.
We see through the veils in ourselves and others. We are able to more present with all things. We recognize the behaviors in ourselves and in those around us that arise out of avoidance to feeling pain. We cease needing to change the things we can’t and we stop taking them personally. In doing so we become more empowered to change the things we can.
We become more able to celebrate life, to honor and cherish it in ourselves and in others. We don’t have to hide from pain, or sorrow, wherever we happen to find them. We cease feeling alone, and we’re more able to be there for others. We become fully present and able to savor the joyful moments and happy times, however big or small, and we stop missing the opportunity to create more of them.
Life is wondrous, mysterious, and vast. Let’s give our own suffering, and that of others, the breathing room it deserves. It’s part of the human condition. Of course we want to be happy, and we want happiness for those we care about, too. There’s something very natural in that.
But if we want to live a life of fullness, if we really want to experience the rapture of being alive, we must accept and be present with all things. We must realize that the human experience is one great wonder in which joy, sorrow, happiness and loss all play their part. Then we open to discovering there is something beautiful we have the power to cultivate, something universally healing that not only unites but also transforms. Something that from the dust and ashes of sorrow and suffering eventually gives way to meaning, and allows fresh joy and happiness to arise anew. And that is compassion… and it begins, within.
Be the change you seek in the world -Ghandi
Be kind to others. But be kind to yourself, too.
Suffering is not meaningless. No one should have to suffer alone…
Because in actuality, none of us really do.
Related Elsewhere and Worth Reading:
- A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life by Leo at Zenhabits
- Love & Compassion Can Defeat Suffering & Depression by Lisis at UrbanMonk
- The Darker Side of Positive Thinking by Bud at ABoundlessWorld
- Is Happiness a Worthwhile Goal? by Mary at GoodlifeZen
- Nobody Trips Over Mountains by Lisis at QuestforBalance
- Love, Sorrow, and Attachment by Albert at UrbanMonk
- How a Broken Heart Mends Herself by Melissa at MindfulConstruct
- Zen and The Awakened Soul by Dayne at TheHappySelf
- When We Don’t Speak of Death by Robin at Naked In Eden Blog
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{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
Beautiful, Miche! I, for one, would love to hear the news delivered by Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama. It would be SO much easier to connect and empathize! What an interesting mental exercise!
I totally agree with you about the positive psychology movement too. I’ve struggled with this issue since I started my blog because I noticed that most PD blogs are focused on solutions, and how to avoid suffering, and how to keep yourself happy all the time… which, to me, feels unnatural. I understand the reader is often looking for answers but, to deny the vital role of suffering in one’s life paints an incomplete picture, at best.
I don’t necessarily want to write for people who are already happy (preaching to the choir), but in reaching out to those who are suffering, I sometimes run the risk of coming across as too depressing… who wants to read a depressing blog when they are already bummed?! But anyway, I try to walk that line… connect with those who are suffering, and offer hope, as opposed to just saying, “Life is great. Look on the bright side. Turn that frown upside down.”
I love your posts, Miche… very thought-provoking and genuine.
Lisis´s last blog ..Posting at Porsidan: What Lies Beneath Perfectionism
Hi Lisis,
Thank you so much. I feel the same, and realize it is a fine line to write about this without sounding depressing. I think your compassion really comes through at QuestforBalance and that can sometimes hard to pull off, but you do it extremely well. I think people who are really hurting actually don’t want to read all “quick tips” to be more happy because they don’t work at that point. In fact, I think they are even more alienating and reinforce the aloneness people feel when they are in a time of deepest need. It saddens me that people who are suffering usually always feel extremely alone, when suffering is something that the entire human race experiences. I think knowing that they are not alone and reading something heartfelt is much more validating and healing. I debated for weeks whether or not to publish this actually, for fear that people would take it the wrong way, and that no one might comment. But I felt I just had to. I’m so glad you left a comment, and that you understand this, too. Thank you
This is the best blog post I have read in a long time. This is so true, and people just don’t want to hear it anymore. People are so focused on the “all good, all the time” mentality, and they don’t stop to realize the harm they are doing to themselves and those around them.
The part that really spoke to me was this:
“Be strong” also implies that’s it’s not okay to feel weak. People hide when they’re hurting because they don’t want to go out in a world that’s not going to accept them.
Yes, yes. That’s it exactly. People would have us believe that it’s NOT ok to feel weak, to feel sad, or to feel small. When we feel like that, we get pounced on by people telling us to “suck it up” or “get over it”. Nobody wants to share sadness….yet that’s when we need to share the most. When we need the strength and support of others the most, that’s when it is often taken from us.
To make the world a better place, we need to accept our own sadness, and the sadness of others. We need to share comfort and strength with those who need it, and stop turning away.
Thank you for writing this, Miche. It’s something we all need to remember.
Jay Schryer´s last blog ..The Perfectionism Myth
Hi Jay, thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. Like I mentioned in my other comment to Lisis, I was hesitant about publishing this for fear of being misunderstood, but I’m so glad you understood it. And the part you highlighted was really the gist of this and my inspiration for writing it. People shouldn’t have to feel alone, turned away from a world that simply doesn’t know how to confront sadness and suffering and accept it. It is the time when we need the most support, the strength and hope of others. It’s the time that everyone should feel okay about reaching out, both those in need and those able to give, to be there, to understand and to accept. That’s where compassion transforms. What a better place the world would be if we could all connect with that… Thanks so much.
I’m REALLY glad you published it! I don’t know if you saw Tim Brownson’s recent post, but it was kind of the same message (in his own inimitable style!). He was talking about how we live in this age of instant gratification, and there are countless lists and quick tips out there to solve all your problems in a hurry. But, although the tips may be sound advice, they will only work if you put in the time and patience it takes to really start to notice change. Clicking from one “happiness now” article to another is just not gonna do the trick.
But your other point is the one that truly motivates me any time I write… those who ARE suffering, or sad or feeling alienated, don’t usually respond to the top ten tips kind of advice without feeling like, “THEY just don’t GET how badly this hurts.” So I try to express that I get it, I really do, and I STILL know there is hope… feeling better happens a little at a time.
Anyway, BRAVA! for following your heart and putting it out there, come what may.
Lisis, thank you for the encouragement! I agree, though I didn’t see Tim’s recent post, but I’ll definitely look for it. And you really DO get it, that comes through, and moves people. Your compassion initiates the kind of healing that creates change, that lasts, and that is so beautiful. You’ve moved me on many occasions… and I absolutely love reading what you write. Thank you for being you, for being genuine, and for sharing like you do with so many. You’re absolutely amazing.
What you say makes sense, but I’m still a positive guy. It’s not that I never suffer, that’s a natural emotion and I don’t want to hide it, but rather I try to see the glass half empty and understand what’s happening.
I think there’s a reason for everything in life, and sometimes we can’t understand what it is, that’s why we suffer.
Oscar – freestyle mind´s last blog ..Habit #5 – The Do Habit
Hi Oscar, thanks for stopping by and reading this rather lengthy post! I tried to convey that it is okay to cultivate a positive attitude, in fact, I think that’s healthy. But whether or not we have a positive outlook, suffering is a part of the human condition. I don’t think that accepting that can really makes us less positive, though, rather in some ways I think it’s empowering and can make us more genuine.
Now, there is suffering that we create by resisting things, and also suffering that we create by having a pessimistic outlook. Taking the time to understand what is happening is important, like you mention. It is from there that change can occur.
What I was really trying to speak to are the times when suffering happens because of deeply moving events and loss, times of genuine sorrow. The times, like you mention, where we really can’t understand the reason for things. In those times, I don’t think the glass half-full approach really works. The most positive person can feel broken and alone at times… it’s hard to see that the glass is half-full when you’ve lost something precious, something you hold near and dear, like your health or a loved one. These are the times when we need to reach out, to have others reach back, and to know that no matter how upbeat and positive we try to be, no matter how much good we try to do, that we are still accepted, that’s it’s okay for us to feel sad, weak, or hurt, and that there may not be a simple cure or slight attitude shift that will remove our pain in an instant. That’s an experience that needs most to be shared. And that’s where compassion comes in… it has the amazing transformative power to move and heal people in a way that nothing else can. Eventually joy and happiness does return, it arises anew, and a positive outlook will be easier to maintain. But that takes time, too. It seems that until we come to terms with and accept suffering as part of the human experience, something we all share, then we really can’t connect with compassion, either. For me, that’s the paradox that a lot of positive psychology fails to address.
Hope that made sense!
Thanks for your reply. Yes it makes a lot of sense and probably we think the same thing. I recently lost a loved one and I wasn’t happy at that moment. However that event changed a lot in my life as I realized how valuable is life. The only emotion that makes me sad sometimes is nostalgia.
Anyway, I think we have the same vision:)
Oscar – freestyle mind´s last blog ..The Do Habit Update 1
What kind of suffering are you talking about? We have lots of control of ourselves.
It depends on what your talking about. A child in a war field getting shot has no control, he/she is destined to die from the bullets.
But in free nations, we have much control and laws that protect our rights. (Well they are suppose to)
Also people stop by accident because they want more drama in their lives. The very same reason they watch T.V. shows and movies.
I think you have no control of your suffering but you can still do something about it.
Mac´s last blog ..How I Made $4,200 in 1 Day Playing Online Poker…
Hi Mac, in some ways I’m talking about all human suffering, but mostly the kind that laws and “free nations” cannot protect us from. I’m not saying that we don’t have control over ourselves to some degree, but the most sorrowful of events usually happen because of things that are beyond our control, regardless of where we live. Yes we can do something about suffering, and the medicine for it starts with compassion. I agree that people do become addicted to drama but the deeper question to ask is why? External drama keeps us from disconnected to what’s happening within. So we end up seeking what we need to realize outside of ourselves instead, but sadly it’s often twisted, dehumanized and sensationalized, and it’s not where we usually find it.
Beautiful Miche, thank you so much for sharing. I think the main point is that compassion is empty, meaningless, technically-not-compassion… when it doesn’t acknowledge and accept suffering. There are many movements to avoid suffering, to reduce it to some subhuman state… but without it, compassion does not exist.
Melissa Karnaze´s last blog ..The Dark Side of My Empathy
Hi Melissa, you totally just reminded me that I meant to link to your broken heart post!! I’m going to update my related resource list now! I agree that there cannot be compassion without the acceptance of suffering, and although it’s probably not possible to totally eradicate human suffering, I think we could greatly reduce it if compassion was something we each valued, cultivated, and practiced, both individually and on a much broader scale. Thanks so much for stopping by!
That is so kind of you Miche.
Yes, I think compassion is the key to minimize the suffering we inflict upon ourselves and the world. Thanks again for such a beautiful article!
Melissa Karnaze´s last blog ..The Dark Side of My Empathy
Hey Mich,
Thank you so much for deciding to post this. I have spent the morning with this digesting and thinking about some of the things you have said.
I find it very hard to show sadness around people that I know. I always have the feeling that I need to be strong (not show sadness). I don’t think that it was ever said to me, but I felt it was expected. I can’t remember the last time that I cried in front of someone I knew but just recently I cried in a crowd of people I didn’t know, and really didn’t care that they saw me.
I think that showing sadness as well as emotion in general is one of the more difficult things that I have to work on with myself. It’s hard to ask for help, it’s hard to say, “I love you” and it’s hard to say, “I’m not okay.” It seems on some level these all imply a weakness that is sometimes so hard to admit. So we withdraw into ourselves and cover it all up. There is nothing worse than being sad than being sad and lonely.
It seems so important to just “BE” whatever you are feeling with complete disregard to what others may think about it. It’s just something else we should all work on
Hi Jeremiah, thanks for stopping by and leaving such a heartfelt comment. It was, like I mentioned in the comments, a decision that I mulled over for some time. You are not alone in the difficulty you experience in showing sadness around others, I think most people feel that way, yours truly included. It doesn’t have to be said directly to us, the message is everywhere, that we need to be “strong”, that “sadness” makes us weak, that if we’re not chipper that we’re somehow not okay. Though sadness and sorrow may make us feel weak at the time, I don’t think they make us weak… the ability to experience these emotions fully actually makes us more whole, more genuine, and stronger, we’re more able to accept ourselves and to recognize how to be there for others. And you are so right, there is nothing worse than feeling sad AND alone… that sort of speaks to my point, that we aren’t alone, because suffering is a shared human experience, yet we live in world that sends so many messages about not sharing it… But if we do, we create an opportunity for kindness and compassion, and that’s what transforms suffering. It’s almost miraculous. My broader question is for society, how can we transform that which don’t acknowledge, that we don’t share, which we disguise, which we create more of by refusing to accept? No one in the world should have to suffer alone… that’s the worst suffering there is. And no one really does. It is the feeling and experience of separateness that make it so painful, when in reality it is something in which we are all united. If only we could see it that way and let that be okay, within us and around us…
“Feeling unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.” ~Mother Teresa
HI Miche, I’m new around here and this post really resonates with me. Recently, I was fortunate enough to attend an initmate breakfast with Even Ensler (known for Vagina Monologues) and she said something that I’ve believed to be true for sometime: that we should own our emotions. And this relates to your post in that we should own our suffering. We should feel it instead of masking it or covering it up. We shouldn’t be afraid of tears, being sad or looking sad. And I’m such a proponent of this because it allows us to stay in touch with reality — all the joys and sorrows, all the highs and lows and all the apin, suffering and celebration. But more importantly, when we are in touch, compassion flows. It becomes the most natural thing in the world, not somethign we have to work hard at to cultivate.
Thank you for a great post.
Hi Belinda and welcome! So glad you stopped by and left a comment. What you’ve said really resonates with me and is part of what I was trying to get across. It does start with us, person to person, owning our emotions… And you are so right, that when we are in touch, compassion just flows and becomes our natural state… this is so wonderful, and so poignantly true. Thank you for sharing your experience, and adding this beautiful insight to the conversation. I really appreciate it. Keep in touch! -Miche
Hey Miche, I agree with Jay and Lisis above – words like genuine and heart-warming are overused these days but they apply beautifully to what you’ve written
From what little I know about positive psychology, it was created as a response to “normal” psych, which everybody has been saying only focused on the painful and the negative. So ignoring the painful might be purposeful – maybe they think, leave it to the others, they’ve spent decades already on it.
Although, PP is not just ‘happiology’ – one of my favourite parts of it are the studies on a meaningful and virtuous life, and other stuff like that.
Thanks for a thought-provoking read.
Hi Albert, it’s wonderful to have you comment here, and thank you kindly for the compliments. They mean a lot. I guess a response to a former psych trend was probably all but necessary, that makes sense. The part of PP that focuses on a meaningful and virtuous life makes me much more interested… that seems to be a worthy cause.
My hope is that readers realize that I’m not really trying to blanket-ly bash all of positive psych here (I even thought of taking the reference out, but left it in), but rather to call attention to something I feel deserves more of it, something that too often gets left out. I just came from Robin’s Naked In Eden blog… the stories she shared tonight really get at the heart of some of what I was trying to communicate here.
http://nakedineden.com/nakedinedenblog/when-we-dont-speak-of-death/
Thanks for stopping by, I enjoy UrbanMonk immensely, and I’m glad you’re done with studies for a while and will be back at it! Take care and stay in touch! -Miche
Miche,
Wow, girl, you said it! Congratulations for being real; I second Lisis – Brava!
I might completely alienate myself here, but I was just thinking this morning about how it makes me feel WORSE when someone tells me, “Just be positive; you’ll be fine.” Or, even more stinging is the remark, “So-and-so is so much worse off, be glad you have what you have.” Etc.
Well, having MS is my own version of ’suffering cards’ I’ve been dealt, and it is really not that much different that someone who has financial troubles, or has been laid off from his or her job, or has suffered from domestic abuse, or you name it. My MS is out of my control (for the most part), and I’m dealing with the hand I’ve been dealt the best I can.
I’m in a little bit different place now than I was a year ago regarding acceptance, but back then, I just needed to be upset for awhile, be angry, and work through this life we’re given in the way I knew how. I know people at their core mean well, but I believe “unhappiness” certainly has a very important role in dealing with suffering. As with grief, each person must move through the stages at his or her own pace.
I think Virginia Woolf said it well in her book, On Being Ill, “We do not know our own souls, let alone the souls of others. Human beings do not go hand in hand the whole stretch of the way. There is a virgin forest in each; a snowfield where even the print of birds’ feet is unknown. Here we go alone, and like it better so.”
I’m behind you 100%, Miche.
~xo
Lori´s last blog ..An Update: My Writing Experiment
Hi Lori,
Thanks for commenting, and thanks for the kind words, too! I don’t think you’re alienating yourself, I think MOST people feel the exact same way when they hear those expressions… but what do we say to them? We know people mean well, but those things just don’t work. And they do most often leave us feeling worse. I think that because, as a society, we don’t openly share suffering (it’s not part of the “acceptable” public discourse) that people lack an appropriate response… emotionally, and including but not limited to the correct vocabulary. Another thing that troubles me is the judgements implied with pity, and also with statements such as so-and-so has it worse… these imply that some suffering is acceptable and other suffering is not… (if someone has it worse how dare you feel bad!) And to me this is not true. I like how you said that “unhappiness” plays an important role, that we each move through the stages of grief at our own pace. And the Virginia Woolf quote, superb… and beautiful… love it. Thanks for sharing here and thank you so much for your support. You rock!
Hi Miche,
). I think that people today are scared of pain and suffering and they try too hard to live a happy life without any problems. You need to embrace pain and suffering as any other feeling that is born inside of you. However at the same time I believe that we have to choose what type of suffering we want to bring into our life. I do not watch TV and do not read most of the news just because they have too much negativity in them. I can see pain in people I know and people I care about and this is the suffering that I choose to bear in my life. There is only that much suffering any normal person can live with before he/she starts seeing the whole world in dark colors. I think it is important to acknowledge the presence and importance of suffering in our life but I still prefer to build my life around positive thinking.
your post flows so smoothly with my last post about breast cancer awareness (thank you for commenting by the way
I am very grateful to you for bringing up this topic because as you said suffering is an important part of our life. We just have to decide what is the bearable amount for each of us.
Anastasiya´s last blog ..Help Us Build a Brighter Future
Hi Anastasiya, thanks for visiting, and welcome! I’m happy to have you comment here.
I agree that people are scared of pain and suffering… really, who wouldn’t be? It’s not something we want, and it’s not something we want for any of our loved ones, either. I agree also that we do have some choice in the matter in terms of what we choose to bring into our lives, and that having a positive outlook and keeping away from the things (like news and TV, and sometimes negative people, too!) that taint our happiness is a healthy thing to do. You’re right in that there is only so much a person can bear, and we are not all Mother Teresa, after all.
Yet there’s something that tugs at me… you mention that there is only so much a normal person can take before they start seeing the world in dark colors… and this is probably very true. But yet I can’t help but think that if we did “go there” for a little while, it would open our eyes… One definition of compassion is “to suffer with”, but also to wish to alleviate another’s suffering. If we did go there, we may cry for many, for people we don’t even know, (perhaps faith plays a role in here in finding hope…) A lot of worldly human suffering is actually caused by humans, really, and if we saw it and actually *felt* it, maybe we’d stop creating some of it. Maybe this IS too much for most people, but maybe it’s not and we just assume it is… it might feel dark for a while, but I think there is something brighter, beautiful, and altruistic that would come out of that process… I can’t help but be reminded here of something profound that Mother Teresa uttered:
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
Maybe if we did just let ourselves love until it hurt for a while, for ourselves and for others, maybe there *would* be more no more hurt, and only more love… just a thought, and a paradox indeed, but nonetheless inspiring…!
Miche
Thanks for sharing your insights with us and adding to the conversation. Stay in touch!
I think that the most unfortunate part about it is that people who go to the dark side and feel the suffering of others, they are not the ones who make awful things in our world. People who cause suffering in this world are highly indifferent to the pain of others. I guess this is just part of a human nature, on every 10 lambs there is one big wolf.
Anastasiya´s last blog ..10 Killer Strategies to Kill Negative Thinking (and Regain Life Balance)
Great article. Very true, love and compassion for others can help with depression.
http://www.cognitivetherapybasics.com/
I love this article Miche. It is sad how the world works these days. Money is prioritize over humanity. As we embark on the journey to find happiness, we forgot those who were left behind. It’s ironic however, that compassion is actually the gateway to happiness.
Karlil´s last blog ..Apple Case Study: The Making Of Devoted Followers
Hi Karlil, thank you. And, exactly. You bring up a point here that came to mind after, that I’ve been really thinking about “as we embark on the journey to find happiness, we forget those who were left behind”. I was thinking about this a lot last night… what a *luxury* that we are able to embark on these journeys. If those of us afforded the luxury to even make that *choice* (and in relative comfort, too) don’t also choose to include those who can’t, what kind of imbalance are we creating/perpetuating in the world? And is that fair, or moral? …Just the questions I’ve been tossing around… thanks for adding to them! -Miche
Love, Love Love this post!! So true! I especially love this part: “When people are suffering they don’t want to hear “Cheer up”. “Be strong” also implies that’s it’s not okay to feel weak. People hide when they’re hurting because they don’t want to go out in a world that’s not going to accept them.”
It is my belief that the number one thing we all need as humans is a little validation–for ALL our feelings–joy and suffering. Yes it is a good thing to be grateful and positive–but we also need to give suffering it’s place too–THAT is the beauty of being human! Thank you for writing this message in such a wonderful, eloquent way. Such a gift!!
Nancy Jane Smith´s last blog ..Self Imposed Cages
Hi Nancy, thanks for stopping by, and welcome! I just visited your lovely blog and it seems we think similarly on a lot of issues. Validation is so important I think and often overlooked, especially when judgements get in the way… Thank you for the compliment on the post, too. Keep in touch! -Miche
Miche,
Excellent post and I loved these words of yours, “When we judge our own pain or that of others as not valuable or negative, we deny part of our humanness. And in doing so we live in a fragmented state, disconnected from ourselves and from others.”
Glad to discover you.
Hi Sunny, welcome and thanks! This post really flowed from somewhere deep within me, and I hesitated for a few weeks on whether or not to publish it, but I’m glad I did! I just visited seekingmind as well, and I’m glad to have found you, too.
Miche
Hi Miche. I agree with much of what you write here and I think most positive psychologists would too. I’ve never read anything by any of them that would indicate they believed in suppressing your real emotions.
Tal Ben-Shahar writes:
” We all, at different times throughout our lives, experience sadness and anxiety and joy and happiness; depriving ourselves of the permission to experience any or all of these emotions make us underprivileged in the ultimate currency, whether or not we are materially well-off. No privilege in the world can protect us from experiencing emotional pain, even nihilism at times, and the expectations that it should only leads to further unhappiness. We, regardless of our income and social status, need to give ourselves the permission to be human.”
I don’t think you should lay the problem at the feet of the positive psychology movement. That movement was started in response to the total focus on broken humans within psychology. The positive psychology movement wanted to investigate what it meant to be a fulfilled and happy human. They don’t dismiss the reality or benefit of real emotions. What they do say is that you shouldn’t focus on the negative or ruminate on it or in the words of Barbara Fredrickson “allow gratuitous negativity”.
Stephen – Rat Race Trap´s last blog ..Should You Trust Your Intuition? – Part II
Hi Stephen,
Thanks for the thoughtful reply and the lovely quotes. I almost thought of taking the references to positive psych out, because I felt my message would be the same with or without it. But it was on my mind and partly inspired the post, so I left it in. Though the theory, which I’ve now investigated a little more since writing this post, does *seem* to include all emotions, what trickles down into pop psychology and pop culture really doesn’t emphasize the validation for all emotions or human experience. And I suspect that a lot of people aren’t really going to investigate the theory.
I found a site at Penn State dedicated to research on positive psych, and read some research articles there (I also took a few surveys to help with their research) http://authentichappiness.org
One of the articles lays out the Character Strengths and Virtues (CSV) for psychological well-being from a positive psych perspective. Here’s a quote from the researchers:
“We want to highlight our own Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification (CSV; Peter- son & Seligman, 2004). The CSV represents the most ambitious project self-consciously undertaken from the perspective of positive psychology, and we intend it to do for psychological well-being what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association (1994) does for the psychological disorders that disable human beings. The CSV describes and classifies strengths and virtues that enable human thriving.” The full article can be found here:
http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/images/apaarticle.pdf
One the third page of the report they provide a table of these Character Strengths and Virtues. When I look at the table, I see something noticeably missing: Compassion. Though it’s hinted at in the “Humanity” category, it’s really just scratching the surface of what compassion really is, and quite narrowly so.
I did notice too that their “Featured Questionnaire” this month is called “Compassionate Love Scale” (I didn’t take that particular survey), but it seems to be directed toward others and not self. Part of my point in this post is that until you can really practice compassion toward yourself it’s difficult to truly experience it when it comes to others. I know this field is relatively young so I’m sure they’re still making strides. At any rate I don’t mean to lay the problem at the feet of positive psych, I think the problem is much deeper than that…
Thanks for stopping in, for sharing your insights and for prompting me to do a little more research!
Cheers,
Miche
Hi Miche. I guess I was just trying to point out that the positive psychology movement is not the same thing as blind positive thinking. It’s much deeper than that. I’ve bought a book I haven’t read yet called “Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America”. It has a chapter on positive psychology and I was interested in what a skeptic had to say. I may just read it now.
Stephen – Rat Race Trap´s last blog ..Should You Trust Your Intuition? – Part II
Hi Stephen, excellent point. I think the tendency for people to associate blind positive thinking with true growth is a real one. Thanks for pointing out that book, it looks really interesting! I hope you write a post about it and I just might check out the book myself. I like the social/cultural take on it implied in the title. I love that you, like me, like investigating things further, which is why I really enjoy your blog. And thanks again for prompting me to investigate positive psych a little further. Though relatively young, I think the field holds promise for the future; they research things like practicing gratitude and other important stuff, like what constitutes a meaningful life. And those sorts of things sound good to me.
Thank you so much for this. I have a number of friends who are pyschologists who are big proponets of postive psychology. I have had a feeling of growing disquiet at their determination to exclude negatives and pain from their lives. It is a great releif to find someone who shares my disquiet. Thank for so articulately raising my concerns that I only felt but could not explain.
Hi Gaey, thanks for commenting. I’m glad to have helped validate what you’ve been feeling.
Miche,
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and putting your name in the circle. It led me back to you and YOUR wonderful site. Thank you. I have put you in my favorites and will return often.
I agree, that I hope we will never become de-sensitized enough that we do not feel the pain and suffering of others. It is vital that we remain connected heart-to-heart, even when it hurts. It is the only way we will make compassion manifest in the world–for our greater good.
Sometimes my personal sensitivity to such suffering is hard to take, but it has opened my heart even wider. As Sharon Salzburg says, “a heart as wide as the world.”
Hi Jan, welcome! Thanks for visiting and joining the circle was my pleasure, really, thank you for the invitation. I’m looking forward to getting your book and your site is very inspirational, glad I discovered it.
I feel the same about my personal sensitivity but I totally agree, it has also made my heart open wider, but the bright side is that lets in more joy, too.
Keep in touch, Miche 
I really enjoyed this article on suffering. One thing I’ve learned–especially in my role as a priest–is that everyone suffers–everyone! And, as you say, it is the one thing that unites us. How true that suffering deepens our compassion for others. Mother Teresa was such a great example of compassion; yet her compassion flowed out of her own experiences of suffering.
Thanks for your insights. I’m going to take some time to look at your other posts!
Hi Fr. Michael, welcome, and thank you for the lovely comment. It’s a pleasure to have you here. Mother Teresa’s work is such an inspiration to me… I think she really embodied what some of greatest teachings on compassion are all about. There is so much we still have to learn from her. Cheers, Miche
Hi Miche, I like your style
You are so right about the news being read in a non-compassionate way. I watched the news for the first time in months a few weeks ago and the newsreader said something along the lines of ‘A man was stabbed to death outside a nightclub in Edinburgh last night and police are appealing for witnesses and on a lighter note ………….’ I was appalled. I haven’t read a newspaper in years and don’t watch the news for this reason.
Great article and have bookmarked for future visits, thanks Miche.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..Conquering Fear
Hi Steve, welcome, and I’m so glad you visited… thank you!
I hardly watch the news but when I get glimpses of it I’m jarred by the way it’s communicated… but most people are so used to it they just glaze over… it’s as if someone said “Hey, the sun is shining…” and that was it. It’s not so much the content but the way it is told that reinforces and propagates the desensitization in our culture. To me, there’s something so inhuman about it.
Thanks for the compliment, and likewise I’ve discovered a lot of great content at your blog since I discovered it a few short months ago. Cheers, and keep in touch, Miche
Dearest Miche, You are a woman after my own heart. This post is the first one I’ve seen of this kind. And it is absolutely stunningly beautiful and insightful. Brilliant. GOOD FOR YOU!!! This article is a fresh new breeze that blows out a lot of stale air that’s become cliché, marketable and trendy….and potentially deadly. It is a trend that is often perpetuated without a lot of deep thought, compassion or serious look at its ramifications.
I am really proud of you for writing this. It’s as if you spoke my own heart. Positive psychology can potentially be almost an illness in our culture. By this I mean it can be a highly sophisticated form of denial of the human experience. There has always been denial but this new wave is very tricky (sticky) if one is not really on the ball and trusting their heart. This new trend looks really good on the outside and promises us the world WITHOUT suffering. I understand that people don’t want to suffer, who would. But we lose SO much. I find this new trend almost suffocating. I don’t buy into it. And yet, surprisingly I am a VERY happy person. All my friends would tell you that. I laugh every day. BUT I cry as much as I laugh and sometimes at the same time. My life is rich and deep and well lived like a well worn welcome mat. Every emotion and life experience explored and embraced. I just LOVE that.
The few times that I’ve spoken to people of the pitfalls of positive psychology they often raise their eyebrows (and hackles), even though I speak of it gently and lovingly…and with an open heart. About 2 – 3 years ago I designed a series of workshops about this whole topic: I called it “Living the Language of Love”. I may eventually turn it into a book. It addresses the law of attraction (The Secret), positive psychology, “let’s all be happy, and moving beyond “psyching ourselves up” to an ability to fully embrace (without judgment and with compassion) the entire range of human emotions and experiences in ourselves and other. The workshop looks at the effects this cliché psychology can have on our lives….AND how it can robs us of soul and vital wisdom, growth, compassion, peace and health. True happiness.
I have always been an eternal optimist. I am one to focus on the positive and what I have as opposed to what I don’t have, the glass half full and not half empty and so on….BUT I feel we suffer a great loss of soul in our denial of suffering, death, pain and just plain old fashioned values that may NOT include the newest car, huge house, tons of money, etc., but might include compassion and non-judgment for all beings, experiences, emotions and ways of life.
When I came out of the rainforest after years of being away from society, I saw that my culture suffered a great loss of soul and compassion in their, as you so wonderfully state, relentless pursuit of happiness. I saw that it was almost “a shame” or crime if one was not all “together”, constantly happy, wealthy, or if they were ill, grieving, suffering, etc.
I was never greatly impressed with The Secret or similar veins of self-improvement. One of the very tragic and somewhat ugly fall outs I saw from this type of thinking was the across the board SHAME. When people failed to manifest away illness, deep depression, or failed to manifest into their lives the latest car, biggest house, best paying job, highest social status, etc. I saw sp many take shame on themselves as if they deserved it without question, I ALSO saw people doing “the shame thing” with each other in subtle and not so subtle ways. It became quite a harsh form of judgment. In other words: if one was suffering in anyway, or was deeply emotional over anything, or if one didn’t have enormous amounts of wealth, if one faced challenges then they just hadn’t done “IT” right. They just didn’t have the right frame of mind. OR WORSE, they had drawn this suffering to them…and ALL this is said or implied in a hihgly judging way.
Unfortunately, this sets up a spiritual hierarchy in which it soon becomes NOT okay to have any “so called” negative emotions or life situations. For me this is unacceptable. I refuse to be part of it. The very fact that we contextualize “this is good” and “this is bad”, when experience has shown me that it is ALL Life…and we are ALL of it…not just what we call “the good”. I LOVE to embrace people right where they are with NO judgment, NO comparison to ANYTHING. With no sense of right and wrong, good and bad. No need to place any of it anywhere.
I am not saying we have to seek out suffering and I am not saying we shouldn’t strive to be happy, but I am saying we have to stop judging and shaming ourselves and each other. We have to stop seeing ourselves as failures if we haven’t manifested this or that or are still suffering. It is not a loving act to judge nor is it a loving act to set up a hierarchy. I’m sure there are many who won’t like what I have to say, and I can easily embrace that. But I feel it has become so extreme in my culture that it’s like this HUGE race with everyone trying to get to the top, when there really is no “top” and NO WHERE to be.
I also find it exhausting and not real to continually stay in a hyped up “let’s all be happy mode”. Life just is and growth and happiness are often found in the most unlikely of places. You are my hero. Thank you for inspiring me so deeply. I think I will post about this at some point. I’ll save my comment and I can link to your post here. Beautiful beautiful work. Beautiful soul. Bless you dear Miche. Much love, Robin …and a HUGE hug.
Robin Easton´s last blog ..When We Don’t Speak of Death
Hi Robin, thank you so much for the heartfelt comment and insights (and kind words of encouragement, too — they mean a lot). I read this comment this morning and it has inspired me pretty much all day. Really. I’m so glad you left it… I’m still not done thinking of the many things you’ve said here, so insightful and thought-provoking… they’ve inspired many new thoughts in me today…things I’ll be thinking about for a while to come. Thank you.
I see things very similarly… I would love to read a book based on your workshop, that sounds so beautiful! I think a book in this area is overdue, and would be welcome by many. You’ve articulated such important points about shame… what a toxic thing it really is, and how the attraction-based mindset really reinforces this, in judging self and others (I don’t think I’ve ever seen it written about it in that way before). I’ve also been thinking lately about how judgement obscures joy, and makes people miss out on it. I have so many thoughts on it what you’ve written, I can’t even begin to articulate them all now…the loss of soul in our culture, the spiritual hierarchy, the oppressive role of shame. The “race” and what we miss trying to get to the “top”… I too am sooooooo inspired by what you’ve written here that I’ve felt the need to quietly reflect almost all day.
Thank YOU in return for inspiring *me* so deeply too, with the moving, soulful posts on your blog, and with this comment. I think we should keep the dialogue going… I know that a few future posts will arise just out of thinking about what you’ve just written and the wonderful dialogue that has taken place in the comments since I published this post. And as always, I look forward to your future posts. Thank you so much, and many, many hugs back, across oceans and continents… Love, Miche
I think we need to start giving our attention to the victims and not give the bad guys the attention they were looking for.
Hi Holly, thanks for visiting. I agree that victims in our society and worldwide don’t really get the care they need and deserve.
Hi Miche,
Great article. Agree with you that we must be present to everything going on. The whole be-positive movement is not sustainable. Ignoring the negative does not make i go away.
Pain is part of the full spectrum of human experience. Suffering is optional. The outside is reflection of the inside. And most of inside are full of fear and sadness, and so we suffer. We just have to be present to this, be aware, and we can let it go.
k
Kaushik´s last blog ..Getting into the flow of Awakening
Hi Kaushik, thanks for visiting, it’s great to have you comment here. I like the verbiage “the full spectrum of human experience”… that sounds nice, it makes it colorful. Thanks for contributing, and understanding too the importance of being present. I don’t know how optional suffering is though… I don’t think it’s really that optional. I understand what you’re saying here but I think unless one is completely an enlightened being, he or she will likely suffer at times…. Know what I mean? Thanks for adding to the discussion, and keep in touch! -Miche
Hi.. I like this post..and you are perfectly correct! Suffering is part of our existence…yet most of the time, we complain as why we are suffering.. Perhaps we need to see it the brighter side of our suffering..
Cheers
Frugal Expat´s last blog ..Brawling for AED 10
Hi Frugal Expat, thanks for leaving a comment! I think part of the “brighter” side that you mention is that we’re not unique in the experience of suffering, though it can feel like we are, and that we are very alone. Cheers, Miche
I just wrote on my PD blog last week,
“Life can be difficult, it’s what makes us interesting, human and capable.”
Difficult to me includes suffering.
Being raised Catholic allowed me to learn compassion. At the same time being one of 10 kids we were taught ” think of the starving children in Africa.” To me this was a double message. Feel sorry for others but not for yourself. Have compassion for others but not for yourself.
As a therapist I was gifted with the ability to have compassion and walk in another’s shoes. Because I left the Catholic church I learned to have compassion for myself and embrace all suffering, my own and others (things may have changed in the teachings of Catholicism today, I wouldn’t know).
My dream was to work in Mother Teresa’s mission in India. I never made it but a close friend of mine did. I have volunteered in Mexico several times, Mi, AZ Mississippi, and Texas.
I embrace my own suffering and find a gift in the midst of it each time. I think in your last paragraph “be kind to yourself” needs to come before “be kind to others.” We can’t give to someone else what we haven’t given to ourselves. We can’t acknowledge that others are suffering when we don’t acknowledge that we are suffering.
Maybe some of the people behind “all the positive psychology” out there aren’t writing about it because they’ve ignored it (suffering) in themselves and there fore don’t recognize it in others. If that’s the case, to them I offer compassion.
I encourage everyone to feel sad, feel weak, feel small, feel sorrow, loss and all else including happiness, gratitude, love…and no matter what you do feel share it with others.
Love what Belinda share about Eisler, “that we should own our emotions.”
And Lori, when people say, “just be positive…you’ll be fine” it’s BS. It’s usually said due to the inability to “be with someone in their pain.” Those words are all about the person speaking not the person being spoken too…
Also Lori: What words of wisdom:On Being Ill, “We do not know our own souls, let alone the souls of others. Human beings do not go hand in hand the whole stretch of the way. There is a virgin forest in each; a snowfield where even the print of birds’ feet is unknown. Here we go alone, and like it better so.”
I’ve never heard that and it stops me right in my tracks, very powerful and true.
What Robin says, “AND how it can rob us of soul and vital wisdom, growth, compassion, peace and health. True happiness.”
There lies the gift of suffering. My daughter Kristy who was born physically challenged has suffered at the hands of thoughtless, clueless, cruel people and yet has been a gift to everyone who meets her. Robin’s words describe Kristy and the gifts she has brought to our family. Yet when I blog about Kristy I don’t blog about her pain and challenges I blog about her growth, spirit and strength. The only reason I can give for that is I think her pain and challenges are her personal story and hers to write about.
Anyway that’s the scoop as I see it…thanks for giving me this opportunity to rant. Oh and I did see the Dali Lama and I heard him speak in Chicago years ago.
Beautiful! And so well said. Tis true, when we ignore the suffering (others or our own) we miss out on cultivating compassion (which to me is the be all and end all…). I never understood the connection until I took a serious dive into Buddhist study years ago. I had avoided even thinking about suffering. Now I get it, thankfully, and being so aware of other’s (and my own) suffering has opened and kept me soft. Yes, sometimes it is hard to face and I often weep so easily. But the result of having “a heart as wide as the world” may be the greatest gift of all.
I thank you for bringing up this very important topic and being so brave to embrace the suffering of all…