The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow.

There’s almost nothing more rewarding in life than close relationships, be it with a spouse or loved one, friends, children, or our families. One of the things that all of the most cherished and satisfying relationships have in common is lasting memories.

Memories, especially joyful ones, fortify relationships and increase their endurance, especially through difficult times. We really don’t “plan” on creating happy memories, they just seem to happen, yet we’d all like it if we knew we could have more of them. But how do we go about intentionally making them happen? What are the things that we remember most?

Sure, a vacation might do the trick, or another big life event, but these don’t always occur very often. And even though we really can’t guarantee that we’ll be able to create more joyful memories, there are manageable things we can do in the present that deepen bonds, increase mutual joy and aliveness, and raise the odds that we’ll have more memorable times to look back on in the future. Most of these involve, at least in some way, breaking from our routines.

Even good relationships tend to stagnate when routine sets in…  time slips by, without any real memories being made. This is when we look back and wonder where the time went… there are no real markers to set things apart.

Stressed or difficult relationships are also undermined by routine: things have become so uncomfortable or tough that any routine that keeps the status quo, or the stress at bay, is often adopted. No good memories are created in this place, and with time, this increases the chasms that separate us from those we care about.

Breaking out of the routines that keep us from deepening our connections and experiencing the stuff we’ll enjoy looking back on doesn’t have to be complicated, expensive, or extravagant. Instead, try incorporating some of the following simple elements into any of your relationships, and make them, in some way, part of your routines together:

• Experience New Things Together
  This is ultimate “break up your routine” idea, but it goes quite far in creating the kinds memories that stay with us. When we experience something new, our senses are heightened, our adrenaline is active and our awareness is keen. Scientifically, all those biological factors actually work to sear memories deep into our subconscious, and make them easier to recall. Go places you’ve never been before, try things you’ve never done. You don’t have to love them all, the point is to get out of your relationship’s comfort zone and activate everyone’s spirit (and biology) of adventure.

• Create Together
  This one often goes neglected, but really, how often do we create together with the people we love? We don’t have to get all fancy about it, creating can be as simple as creating a space in your home, making a snowman, building a tent with your kids, or even concocting a new recipe together. The bonds that are built around creative activities are special because creating involves being open, imaginative, and cooperative, and in the end, there is a result in which everyone contributed a part. When you create together, do it in a spirit of fun, and of play…  let go of the results. Better yet, let someone else take the lead… help someone you care about create something that’s meaningful to them.

• Be Active Together
  Much of what we do for pleasure with those we love is rather passive. We may watch television, go to the movies, or out to eat. Though these sorts of pursuits might be relaxing and pleasurable, it’s because they’re passive that they don’t really strengthen our connections or create occasions that are memorable. Make it a point to experience things that require active involvement, even if just occasionally. Games, hikes, outdoor activities, or sports are all easy enough to do on a budget. You don’t have to do them all the time if they’re not your thing, but choosing active entertainment expands our experience of one another in a way that passive entertainment just can’t.

• Include Others When You Spend Time Together
  This doesn’t have to be all the time, but including others not only brings a freshness to regular activities but also widens our perceptions of each other. Plus, the more personalities in a place, the more unexpected results, which often become the stuff of some our funniest memories. If you’re a family, do things that include other families, even if that just means things you normally do at home. If you’re a couple, try to connect with other couples, and for friends, go places where you’ll encounter new people together. Even making it a point to do something of this sort once a month, or every other, can enliven any relationship and solidify the ties that bind us.

• Learn Together
  This is another category that gets neglected, because often we think learning is a solitary activity, or something we do formally, as in class, often with people we don’t know. But learning together with people we like or love is actually quite fun, broadens our horizons, and serves to enrich our relationships. The point here is to learn things that are new to everyone, so no one is really “the teacher”. Pick something that interests everyone involved. You can go about it formally or informally, but commit to it together.

• Share in Joy and Celebratory Events
  Make time to acknowledge joyful moments and celebrate successes and triumphs, no matter how small, be it your own or someone else’s. Joy can be contagious, and though it might take a little effort, taking part in celebratory occasions together often adds more meaning to relationships. And you don’t have to wait for holidays, family events, or friends’ special occasions. Though such occasions are often fun, not everything needs to be a party, or even personal for that matter. Attending celebrations around your interests is often a good time, cheap, and can be found in your city and town. Universities, museums, libraries, even weather conservatories and parks often host or organize such events around anniversaries or other historical markers.

• Make Room for Spontaneity
  Next time you’re inclined to pass on an invitation to do something because it’s not your thing, it’s too different, or because you feel too busy, just say “yes” when you feel the urge to say “no” or “maybe later”. Perhaps your sweetie suggested something new, your friend something strange, or your child something imaginative… these are the very things we shouldn’t pass up (besides, what are you passing them up to do instead?) The most wonderful, unexpected surprises often take place when we let go and let spontaneity reign supreme for awhile. When we allow spontaneity in our lives, we’re embracing living, we’re fully present, and we learn more about each other, and quite often about ourselves, in the process.

True love is unconditional and everlasting,
it is established over time and validated by memories ~Anonymous

What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life,
to be with each other in silent and unspeakable memory. ~George Eliot

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Make it a New Habit: Drink an 8-12 oz glass of water right before you snack to reduce hunger.

What happens when you have a hankering for a snack? Do you sometimes need to have something sweet, salty, or greasy, right away? I know this happens to me, no matter how disciplined I might be at any given time.

Sometimes our energy is just zapped and often our body cries out for something to keep us going. The first instinct is to grab some soft, sweet sugar-filled goodness or something to “munch” on, usually of the crunchy carbohydrate variety.

We all know that snacking can be the downfall of a healthy lifestyle, but there are some things you can do if you must snack that will help you avoid  the extra pounds.

Most of the time I try not to snack at all by eating proper meals, but there are times I just can’t help myself. Sometimes, there are days in a row when I snack, as much as I tell myself I’m not going to. Usually the urge to snack means that I haven’t eaten enough at mealtime, that I haven’t eaten the proper food at meals, or that I’m waiting too long in between meals. When I do snack I follow the 2-3 Hour Window rule of thumb, no matter what I choose to snack on (below).

Obviously the best approach is to try to avoid the snack altogether, but when you need to snack to re-up on energy (or just to kill a craving) here are 10 tips to help keep off the extra pounds:

1. The 2-3 Hour Window
Whenever you snack, always make sure that your snack is at least 2-3 hours since your last meal and before your next meal. This should be followed no matter what the snack, and ensures proper digestion so that the snack won’t interfere with proper absorption of your meals. Obviously we can’t always meet this window, but definitely try holding off after a meal for at least 2 hours (three hours is much better). If a meal is approaching and you cannot wait, keep the snack very light so you don’t get full.

2. Be Prepared
Sometimes, whether you’re at the office or work in the home, you’re going to want or need to snack even if you have the best intentions. Eat right to avoid the urge, but be prepared, just in case. Have things on hand that you can indulge in when the need arises, things that take no more than 1 minute to prepare if you’re at home, and things can take to work if you’re at the office. If you don’t eat them, fine, but have them on hand anyway. Below are some ideas for healthy snacks to have on hand.

3. Drink 8-12 oz of Water First
Drinking 8 oz of water before your snack will help you feel more full and will reduce how much you need to eat. So when you’re hankering for the snack, try to grab the water bottle first, drink at least 8 ounces, then go ahead and snack.

4. Avoid the Simple Carbohydrates
Yes, I know, those are the very snacks we’ve become accustomed to (and thus part of why snacking becomes a problem). The simple carbohydrates are the worst thing to reach for as those do nothing for energy (except to give us a very short “high” followed by a definite crash) and translate directly into weight gain.

5. Have a Protein Snack
Not a protein bar, but a whole food that has protein in it, which gets burned right away. A lowfat cheese may suffice, or a whole organic yogurt, but even better are nuts and seeds, since they are both high in protein and can definitely kill the craving for the “munchie” variety of snacking. Try some pistachios or peanuts in the shells (that way it takes a little longer to eat each one). Or bring a little bag of sunflower seeds to work with you. Avoid the honey-roasted varieties and if you can, try some uncooked varieties at your local health food store.

6. Have a Fruit
Fruit will help you with low energy and give you vitamins and nutrients that you need. A fruit cup (no syrup or sugar) filled with just about any variety will do the trick. If you can’t manage to get your hands on one and are on the go, having a decent-sized apple handy will help. The trick is to have fruit that will take a while to eat. A banana is easy to grab, but the eating is over too fast. The apple, 2 small plums, a peach, or some other fruit that takes longer to eat is optimal.

7. Have Vegetables
Carrots that crunch, celery, grape tomatoes, raw broccoli, or a smorgasbord of veggies will help kill the cravings and keep you going. Try a variety if you can, or just have 8 or so carrot sticks. By the time you finish them you’ll feel better.

8. Combine 2: Veggies & Fruit, Protein & Fruit, Protein & Veggies
Any combination of the above will surely fill you up enough to get rid of the hunger and keep you going. Try some cheese with grapes, some carrots followed by an apple, some seeds or nuts with cucumbers or grape tomatoes. Really, anything you can thing of. If you do this, you should definitely make sure you are following the longer side of the 2-3 hour window.

9. Combine 3 and Make it a Mini Meal
So maybe you’re just famished. It’s been three hours since your last meal and you didn’t have enough and just can’t wait. Combine the three of the above and even add a healthy fat (an all natural, oil-based, low sugar salad dressing for dipping the fresh vegetables) and call it a mini-meal. Put the next meal off for another hour or two beyond the 2 to 3 hour window, and maybe have another mini-meal.

10. Must. Have. Real. Sweets.
Okay, so there are times you’re going to want the real sweets. If you’re eating your meals according to plan, and have avoided the simple carbohydrates for a while, then go ahead and do it. Follow the window, don’t over indulge, and forgive yourself immediately. There will always be exceptions, the point is not to make it a habit. If you’re eating right, the occasional indulgence is not going to hurt. Try to follow the 90%/10% rule (no more than 10% of what you eat in a day is the wrong kind of food).

(Editors’s Note: This was dug out of the archives and reposted for my friend Suzanne at tcoyou.com, who was so kind to feature Serenity Hacker on her blog, and this was one of her favorite posts. I had deleted it, so if you’re a  subscriber it might be in your feed, but if not, here it is, and it’s here to stay. Thanks Suzanne!)

And if you haven’t subscribed yet, why not subscribe now?

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Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. ~Laozi

When a new year rolls around we often look to things that might improve our lives: small changes we can make, new habits we can adopt or old ones we can shed.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in small self-improvement tweaks or keeping the status quo that we neglect the real issues: the toughest, most transformative changes, the ones that will have the most impact on our lives. But this is no accident.

In general, we avoid the most meaningful changes with everything we’ve got. Because they’re big, and because of their transformative power, we’ll call them “Big Changes”.

Most often, the Big Changes have to do with one of the following:

• Work
• Relationships
• Living Circumstances
• Physical or Emotional Health
• Facing Addiction
• Some Other Fundamental Life Change

Big Change Theory

They’re the most meaningful changes, yet difficult. They are of the self-directed type, the kind that brew under the surface for a while. They’re born of deep desire, an inner knowing. Once born, they bring with them their own energy, even before we make them. We could say they arise from the very human quest for happiness, the life force, or our own evolution toward a higher good.

Regardless of where they come from, we know making them will result in very powerful and positive transformation in our lives, the type that permeates our being and trickles into everything else we do. Some say they are our aliveness coming to get us. Yet, we put them off.

Initially, we don’t embark on them for a variety of reasons: we’re not prepared, the time isn’t right, it’s hard, we don’t know how, we don’t want to hurt someone, our finances aren’t in order, there’s something we don’t want to give up, etc. And though the reasons abound, they really don’t matter much, because the energy of these changes doesn’t go away. Instead, it stays with us, just below the surface, fighting for our conscious attention.

At times we can put these changes out of our minds for a while, but they remain there in the background and continue to haunt us. They exert their force on our subconscious even when we’re not thinking about them. Still, oddly enough, we avoid them not just for weeks, but often months, and sometimes even for years. How does this happen, and why?

Sure, change is uncomfortable, we already knew that. And with this type of change we’ll often face much more of the unknown than we know what to do with. That’s scary, too. But it isn’t really fear that holds us back. It’s the misdirection of our energy.

The Holding Pattern

We tell ourselves we’ll embark on this change later, when we have more energy. We just can’t see ourselves having the energy, focus, and will power to make it through right now. Somehow, (we hope), we’ll have what it takes later. And therein lies the problem.

We always have a limited amount of energy and will power available to us at any given time. And we end up using everything we’ve got to hold things together where we’re at right now. We’ve entered the Holding Pattern.

First, it takes a lot of energy to keep the force of one of these meaningful changes at bay and out of our minds (which really doesn’t work, anyway). Next, we use the rest of our available energy trying to keep the familiar working for us, trying to keep the comfort in what has now become uncomfortable.

We choose the familiar because we think it’s easier, that it somehow doesn’t require effort and energy. And maybe at one time it didn’t. But now it does. Because when one of those Big Changes is born in our consciousness and brews there, every move we make to stay with the status quo, every amount of energy we expend not choosing that change, suppressing it and choosing instead our current routine, is extremely taxing.

We also think sticking with the familiar is choosing the path of least resistance. It’s not. It’s actually choosing the path of resistance itself. We’re holding back the force of that change on our minds and spirits, holding together our current unsatisfying circumstances, and all the while we’re scrambling to deny or hide from the discomfort all of this creates. The toll on our energy is enormous. All of our will power, all of our energy is directed at resisting, and that takes a lot of work. It’s why we feel so tired.

This is how even the thought of dealing with that Big Change becomes so overwhelming to us. It’s hard to imagine having enough energy for something in the future when the present is leaving us so depleted.

We go in circles trying to find smaller, more manageable things to inspire or divert us. To make the present comfortable like it once was. But nothing really lasts, or feels very alive. And once the diversion subsides, the discomfort returns.

When we’re in this place, inspiration is hard to find, and motivation doesn’t really last all that long, either. The impact of the smaller changes we chase instead is minimal at best, and nothing really, truly excites us. That’s because all the positive states we crave, along with the stuff of real, lasting change, flow through the same emotional pipes as that Big Change does. And we’ve got those pipes blocked up.

The Leap into the Void

Sometimes (but not always) time spent in a Holding Pattern can be used to prepare and plan for a Big Change. But that time is limited. There’s only so much planning and preparation one can do, because the rest of that Big Change often means flying through the great void of the unknown, and just going with it.

If you’ve got a Big Change on deck, I’m not saying to run right out and make it tomorrow. These changes often cause disruption before things settle down. They’ll be a lot to deal with for certain. But if you’re in a Holding Pattern, you can at least recognize that you’re there. Only you know for sure if you’re resisting a Big Change. And if you are, you’ll understand why the things that seem like they should work aren’t working, and why you often feel exhausted and uninspired.

However, when we do take that big leap, that first, committed, and sometimes irrevocable step into a Big Change, something amazing happens. All that pent up energy is unleashed. It’s becomes ours to use. We’re no longer in a state of resistance, holding back with all our might. Instead, we’re flowing with life. Inspiration and motivation are reborn, passions arise anew, and joy is found more effortlessly.

This isn’t to say that flying through the great void in Big Change is all peaches and rosebuds. It’s not. A different discomfort awaits us. Not the one of resistance, but one of newness, of the unfamiliar. We might find ourselves groping around in the dark for a while. Tears may await, too. Because now, the flood gates are wide open. There will be turbulence, and uncertainty. It will definitely be exhilarating, sometimes scary, and the charge will be high. But our energy will rise to meet us. It’ll be palpable. And then we can flow with it, use it, and leverage everything that’s been unleashed… It will be there to help us find our way.

Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly. ~Danaan Perry

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This is a guest post by Srinivas at The Skool of Life. Follow him on Twitter.

Water has an endless horizon; there is no limitation when you look out into the water. There’s nothing to interfere with the mind’s eye projecting itself as far as it can possibly imagine. ~Billy Joel

In many ways we are all surfers in search of our perfect wave. A few months back I shared my thoughts on creating your own definitions for success and failure and to me, those are the waves of life that we are all riding.

The perfect wave is something that provides an absolutely effortless ride. It peels across the ocean for what seems to be an eternity, a ride we hope will never end. The thought of danger is overpowered by adrenaline and excitement… It’s pure bliss at its very best, the type that puts an ear to ear smile across your face.

When you’re on it, you’re not thinking about the future and you’re not looking back. You truly are living in the moment. True success, in any aspect of our lives, often feels something like this.

How to Find Your Perfect Wave Checklist

1. Define What It Is to You. The quest for the perfect wave is something that most surfers spend a lifetime on. To one, it might be an exhilarating 20 foot wave, while to another it might be one that’s 2-3 feet and provides a longer, more balanced ride. The point is, for each and every person the perfect wave is something different, yet it’s always about embracing your strengths, likes, and deciding the wave that is perfect for YOU. It’s often easy to get caught up in societal definitions of success and failure, of what we “should” or “shouldn’t” want or be doing. But, when we define for ourselves what our perfect wave is, discovering it becomes much easier.

2. Forget Instant Gratification. Instant gratification is called that because it doesn’t last. When we make instant gratification our goal we are very rarely fulfilled and constantly in search for more. Finding the perfect wave often requires effort and patience, rather than being compelled by the need for instant gratification. When we put instant gratification first, consciously or subconsciously, we often make the wrong choices and eventually find ourselves starting all over again.

3. Don’t Be Ego Driven. If you can learn how to manage your ego in order to reach your full potential, you are leaps and bounds ahead of the average person. There’s no place for your ego in riding waves. Ego needs bring up fear, isolation, the desire for more, and a constant sense of comparison and competition. The moment things start to become about your ego is the moment they become dangerous, or at least haphazard. Excessive ego concerns hamper our focus and take away from a sense of flow and connectedness to what is happening in the moment.

4. Go for Inner Happiness. We live in such a stimulus-response driven world that the idea of letting everything come from within seems almost impossible. Yet, if happiness is something that comes from within, we often experience much more control over our perfect wave. When we are fulfilled from the inside, the external world we see reflects that back to us. We see more clearly and recognize the opportunity, abundance and perfection that are all around us.

Enjoy the Ride and Allow Pure Joy

To me the perfect wave is one in which I really am enjoying the ride. No matter what our perfect wave is, if we are not enjoying the ride then it’s really not a perfect wave. It’s often difficult to feel truly successful when we aren’t enjoying what we are doing. Opening ourselves up to experiencing the joy that is right there in front of us is one way to make sure we enjoy the ride. Another is to go through the checklist: Do we have a clear definition of that perfect wave, one that is truly and uniquely our own? Are we able to let go of instant gratification and superficial ego needs? Do we have a sense of inner happiness that isn’t dependent on things outside of us?

One thing I realized when I found out about my new job is that now I’m going to be getting paid to do something that I’ve been doing for free for the last 8 months. As for this wave in my life, I had defined it for myself, regardless of societal norms. I went the route of patience and effort and forewent instant gratification and ego desires. I cultivated happiness from within. And now, a perfect wave has come along, a new ride, one that’s right for me. To me that’s a sign that I’ve got the passion to succeed in my new role, and I’m open to the joy along the way. That’s the key, in my opinion, to all life-long success.

In life, we are all are going to ride many waves. In the end we all have a choice in terms of defining what is perfect for us and what is not. This is something we all need to define for ourselves. The beauty of the ocean is that there is an endless supply of waves, of all sorts, shapes, and sizes. This doesn’t necessarily mean there will be no mistakes, no flounders, and no wipe outs. And yet the waves will always come. Go out (and within) and discover the waves that give YOU the most joy, because it’s from there that you will ride the wind of success in your life.

* * *

Srinivas Rao is a personal development blogger at The Skool of Life where he writes about self help, spirituality and personal development through his love for the sport of surfing. He’s a recent graduate of the Pepperdine MBA program and has a bachelors degree in economics from UC-Berkeley. He’s also a social media strategist for the online travel site, Cheapair.com

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Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive? I don't know. ~Paulo Coelho

I’ve posed this question to myself for the past week, since Lisis’s post Networth vs. Selfworth: The Passion Paradox at her blog QuestforBalance. There’s been a slew of great posts this week in response, all of them listed at the end of hers, so I would recommend heading over there and checking them out. They’re all worth a read.

Ultimately I began to wonder whether passion is really required for a meaningful life. After all, that’s what most people are ultimately seeking, not necessarily the passion itself. And that’s where marketers mostly seem to cash in on the passion principle.

Peddling Passion

Passion is a necessity, or so we’ve been told (and sold) over and again. Passion is something we should have regarding our work, at least says the title of many best-selling books. This idea presupposes that we have a passion to “follow” or “cash in” on, and that this is the best way to live. And if you don’t have one? Well, there’s help out there for that, too! There are countless books on how to “find” your passion and thus live your life’s purpose.

Passion and Purpose

So far, the assumptions go like this: we must have passion (or “a” passion), and if not we should find or discover it. This will give us purpose (which is associated with meaning). So, passion equals purpose. Also, if we’re particularly lucky or skilled, we get to have even more purpose because we turned our passion into work. Now we can experience passion with more frequency, so our lives are even more meaningful. If you really don’t buy this formula, there are plenty of salesman out there willing to convince you (but then you will buy it… literally).

So the path is as so:

Find Your Passion -> Live a Meaningful Life

(and further down the “path to fulfillment”):

Sustain Your Living from Your Passion -> Live an Even More Meaningful Life

So What is Passion, Anyway?

Before I could go any further thinking about this promised path, I really needed to get a clear handle on the meaning of passion. According to Merriam-Webster, passion is:

extreme, compelling emotion; intense emtotional drive or excitement; and or a strong liking or desire or devotion to some activity, object, or concept

So passion is mostly emotional, and or a state of strong desire. (It’s worth pointing out here the etymology of the word, its Latin and Greek roots, have to do with suffering and agony. Just food for thought.)

What’s the idea behind this passion requirement, really? Are we to find something that causes us to experience extreme and compelling emotional states? Are we better off living with a strong desire for (or devotion to) that activity, object, or concept? Is this really necessary in order to live a meaningful life?

Emotional states are fluid and changing, and extreme emotional states usually aren’t sustainable, nor should they be (for the sake of our mental health). Yes, excitement and extreme pleasure feel good and we like them, but strong desires for those extreme states often lead to suffering when they can’t be fulfilled. (Interestingly, that brings us back to the root of the word…)

A Deeper Look: A Psychological Needs Study on Passion and Activities

A recent psychology study on passion (in which the authors reference the very scant amount of research in this area) defines passion toward an activity as:

a strong inclination toward a self-defining activity that one likes (or even loves), finds important, and in which one invests time and energy

Sometimes, these activities become so self-defining they come to “represent central features of one’s identity.” The activities people became passionate about happened to fulfill their psychological needs for:

• autonomy  (a sense of personal initiative)
• competence (the ability interact effectively with the environment), and
• relatedness (a feeling of connectedness)

The Pleasure Principle

In other words, activities people tend to become “passionate” about are ones that make them feel good in several ways, and produce positive emotional experiences for them while engaged in the activity. Interestingly, the study also unveiled two very different types of passion. This is where the buyer need beware.

Obsessive Passion

• uncontrollable urges to engage in the activity
• feelings of social acceptance and self-esteem are dependent on the activity
• sense of identity is strongly associated with the activity
• more pressure, guilt and shame associated with the activity (and less flow)
• frustration and rumination when not able to engage with the activity, difficulty experiencing pleasure in other activities
• activity engagement leads to conflict with other areas of life, like personal relationships and responsibilities
• a rigid persistence toward engaging in the activity despite conflicts, risks, and negative consequences
• lower levels of general psychological adjustment to other experiences in life
• more experiences of depression and anxiety related to general life satisfaction
• difficulty giving up the activity, despite obvious negative consequences

So, people with an obsessive passion for planting petunias (to use Lisis’s example, but feel free to fill in a different passion) derive pleasure from it but also suffer more, are less well adjusted, and have developed a psychological dependence on it. (It should be noted that this type of passion can also lead to pathological behaviors).

Harmonious Passion

• no uncontrollable urges, chooses freely when to engage in the activity
• feelings of social acceptance and self-esteem are not dependent on the activity
• though activity may be integrated into identity, it is not overpowering
• more frequent pleasure (and flow) during the activity
• higher rate of adjustment, concentration and pleasure in other activities in life than obsessive
• activity engagement does not lead to conflict with other areas of life, like personal relationships and responsibilities
• a flexible persistance toward engaging in the activity: conflicts, consequences and risks are weighed appropriately
• broadened thought and greater psychology adjustment to other experiences in life
• greater life satisfaction, meaning, and vitality than obsessive counterparts
• ability to give up the activity with little to no difficulty if negative consequences arise from it

Compared to people with obsessive passion, people with harmonious passion for planting petunias also experience pleasure from it but this has a positive effect on other areas of their lives. They also experience pleasure from other unrelated activities, report greater general life satisfaction than the obsessives, and can give up planting petunias without suffering.

Seems pretty well-rounded and balanced, right? (Someone pointed out to me that this sounds more like “enjoyment” than “passion” as we think of it. Probably so.)

Enjoyment without Obsessive Dependence

Can you see where this is heading? Harmonious passions are things we like, take part in, enjoy, but do not necessarily define who we are. We experience positive emotions from engaging with them and thus report more general life satisfaction (but we are not dependent on them). This makes us better adjusted in other areas of life than someone who is, well, “obsessed”.  When viewed in this manner, it’s easy to see that many of us who can’t identify a “single” passion probably already have harmonious passions, whether they are writing, a sport, being outdoors, spending time with loved ones, eating healthy or caring about a cause. Whether or not anyone really needs a 200 page book or salesman to discover the things they enjoy is somewhat questionable. And if you’re fuzzy on them, a good self-reflective journal exercise would probably help uncover them.

Purpose, Needs and Fulfillment

Yet the passion that’s peddled to us is most often the obsessive type, the “all-consuming, one thing that makes you jump out of bed, that you would give all your time to if you could.”  There’s no doubt that obsessive passion can give someone a very strong sense of purpose: If I’m obsessively passionate about petunia planting, I probably will jump out of bed to tend to my petunias. It’s probably the first thing I think of in the morning. I have a purpose. So passion does seem to give purpose, at least the obsessive type. Purpose is hard to walk away from, so there may not be as much involved for the harmonious type. But, does a sense of purpose from a passionate activity constitute for me a meaningful life? Is there anything else I value?

If the experience of the passionate activity becomes so valuable to us that we put it above all things, then we might be obsessed. And let’s face it, obsession is usually never good. Even if we don’t meet all the “obsessive passion” criteria, we may unwittingly become dependent on a passionate activity to the exclusion of other things we value. For example, if I have a job that gives me pleasure, that fulfills my psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness as stated above, (and perhaps other psychological needs, too) then I probably find my job very rewarding. I might be passionate about it at some level (I desire the pleasurable experience it gives me, I make time for it, and it’s part of my identity).

The potential danger here, and the problem that passion can present, is that I may subconsciously become so invested in the job to meet those needs that I might neglect my spouse, children, health, or other things in life that I value. The other things I value may also be able to meet some psychological needs, too, IF I give them the chance, time, and effort. But this can be easily forgotten when I’m feeling “fulfilled” (in this case from my work) and not feeling “in need”. So, passion can apparently can be very fulfilling, too. But, that may not always be good…

Why Values Need More Attention Than Passion

If it were my last week on earth, would I go to that job? Might I realize that I haphazardly neglected other things that were very important to me? Would I feel like I lived a meaningful life? How would I spend that last week?

Just because my psychological needs were fulfilled by my job doesn’t necessarily mean I was engaged with what I really value. I may have felt like I had purpose (working gave me a comfortable level of psychological fulfillment, so I repeatedly went). Though I did experience purpose, I may not necessarily have been living what I would have considered a meaningful life. (Perhaps time with my spouse, children, helping the poor, writing, and exploring spirituality were things I actually valued more than my  job, but neglected.)

Thus, passion can relate to purpose, but purpose can be tricky. It’s fulfilling. Sometimes that fulfillment may put us to sleep: we’re comfortable and feel pleasurable. We stop looking deeper. We’re not seeking, because we feel purpose. However, a mindful look at values is in order. Living in accordance with our deepest values is something that really gives us meaning, the type that allows us to look back without regret, seize the present, and have enthusiasm for the future.

If I uncover what I really value, spend my time and construct my life in accordance with those values, then I will probably feel a sense of purpose in doing so. I’ll also probably discover some harmonious passions that reflect my values along the way (though I may give them up if they later conflict with them). I’m likely to invest time and effort learning how to get my psychological needs met by being true to my values, rather than unconsciously letting them be met elsewhere. This may not always fill me with passion, and may not always feel pleasurable. I need to stay mindful and aware. Yet my life will likely feel meaningful. And fulfilling, in an awake, vital, and open way.

Passion is Sexier than Values

It’s probably safe to say that “passion” and everything it connotates will continue to sell more books and widgets than “values” or “integrity” ever will, in business, in pleasure, and in the field of personal development. It’s sexy, it invokes more excitement, and it also has strong associations with the word “love” in our psyches. That’s hard to compete with.

The Final Question: What Really Matters

Maybe instead of searching to find what would we do everyday if we could, what would excite us enough to “jump” out of bed, we should be evaluating something different. Maybe the questions we should start with are better directed at unearthing our values first, rather than our passions. What would we do everyday if we had a week or month left to live? What would we think as we look back? How would we spend our time?

Miss Harmonious Petunias may or may not let the petunias go. It seems she also had other things in her life that she valued as well, from which she derived meaning and was able to attend to. Miss Obsessive Petunias, however, may or may not have a different experience. She might go on merrily planting petunias until her final hour, gracious that she’s been afforded another week or month to do so. But if not, if Miss Obsessive Petunias suddenly realizes she did have other values that went neglected, she may end up sorry that she missed the opportunity to honor them.

If you don’t have a single, living and breathing passion, don’t worry about it. Uncover your values. Be true to them. Build a life around them. Examine them and stay mindful of them. Be passionate about that.

Passion, in some of its forms, has lots of pluses, but there can also be a darker, more insidious type, too. And that kind is not necessary in the way we’ve been led to believe it is. You will likely experience pleasure, enjoyment, fulfillment and a meaningful life by discovering and honoring your values, and trying, at least, to err on the side of the harmonious… in all that you do.

Related and of Interest Elsewhere:

• Follow Your Passion Is Not for Everyone at QuestforBalance
• A Value Based Approach to Goals at RatRaceTrap
• Is Your Integrity for Sale? at Advanced Life Skills
• Emotion = Thought + Meaning (Expressed as Feeling) at Mindful Construct
• The Greatest Thoughts for Your Path to a Meaningful Existence at Goodlife Zen
• Seven Ways to Make Your Life More Meaningful at Change Your Thoughts
• Though Shalt Not Sell Out at Porsidan
• The Number One Self Development Mistake and the Fake Growth Addict at IlluminatedMind

Sources:

• Networth vs. Selfworth: The Passion Paradox QuestforBalance
• On the Psychology of Passion: What Makes People’s Lives Worth Living (Vallerand, Robert J.)

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The true miracle is not walking on water or walking in air, but simply walking on this earth. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

How good are you at keeping your focus and sense of inner peace when you’re busy?

Do you stay clear, maintain your center and ability to concentrate, even when there’s a lot you need to get done? What about when time or a lack of it adds to the pressure?

During busy times many of us adopt a frenzied, scattered pace. But a scattered mind cannot be present, and does not lend itself to peace, efficiency, or focus.

Wouldn’t it be better to deal with busy-ness from a place of inner calm? When you’re calm and centered you don’t feel so busy, even if you are.

• Being present increases inner peace.
• Inner peace keeps us calm and clear.
• With clarity, focus becomes more effortless.

That may sound simple but it’s true. The problem is we’ve been encultured to believe that we need to get everything done and finished first in order to experience inner peace and renew our sense clarity. But this is really not the case.

From that mindset, everything takes more effort. Remembering becomes a chore. Focus takes enormous mental exertion. Peace and calm are put off as luxuries while we battle on relying solely on will to get things done. We’re less effective and efficient at our tasks, we have too many thoughts competing for attention and our minds get ahead of our bodies. Because of this, we are disconnected, off-center, and scattered. Our minds and bodies are not in sync.

Here are two short examples most of us can relate to:

• You wake up in the morning on a work day, still in bed, and start thinking about taking a shower. While your body is in the shower your mind is thinking about your work day and all the other things you need to remember. While your body is getting ready after the shower your mind is thinking about your commute to work… When your body is on the way home your mind is rehashing your day at work but also is imagining doing the things you need to do once your body gets home.

• You decide to get up from your bed upstairs and go downstairs and get a drink of water. As soon as your body gets up until the time it pours the drink your mind is thinking about getting, pouring, and drinking the water, even though your body is putting on slippers, walking down the stairs and through various rooms toward the kitchen.

In both scenarios you are not present. In each case, there was an opportunity to connect to the present moment and inner peace rather than letting your mind get ahead of your body, or stay behind your body. It is in simple instances like these that you can begin to cultivate a mindfulness practice, even if you’ve never done it before. It just requires keeping your mind and your body together, in the same moment. Your body is always in the present moment, even if your mind and awareness are not.

The good news is that there are simple techniques that don’t take much time or skill which will help you regain your center and inner calm, even in the midst of a busy day. When you take a few minutes to practice these throughout your day, you can then operate from a much calmer, clearer place. You check in with the present moment, empty your runaway thoughts, and are able to focus and remember more easily. Getting things done takes less mental exertion, and not only do you become more peaceful, but more efficient as well. Plus, you’re a whole lot more relaxed, and that just plain feels good!

One way I like to regain my center when the hustle and bustle has me running is by practicing what I call Walking Gratitude Meditation. Much like any other walking meditation, it can be practiced for any length of time, including short times throughout the day.  No real meditation “skill” is required to start doing this, and, it doesn’t take much work or “extra time”, something that often keeps many people from beginning a mindfulness practice.

The 4 Steps to Practicing Walking Gratitude Meditation

Ideally, this practice is best done while in motion doing things that don’t take a lot of mental exertion. You don’t need to be walking per se, (you could be scrubbing the floor, carrying laundry down the stairs, or in the shower). You just need to be doing something that requires motion. For the sake of this example, I’ll use walking:

1. Put your focus on your body’s movements and motion
The point of this type of focus is to bring your awareness inside your body in order to become centered. Put your awareness on every step, every time each foot moves forward and then touches the ground. Feel your leg muscles, joints, and all the parts of your body required to walk. Experience every sensation your body feels. If you have trouble with this, breathe deeply first and focus on deep breaths, long breaths in and long breaths out, to bring your awareness into your body (try putting your attention on the movement and sensation of the air moving as you breath it). This is simple enough to do even in a parking lot, as you’re walking from your car to a store. Don’t let your mind get to the store before you do. Be in your body while you walk. (Also, this is very easy to also do in the shower, though you’d be focusing on other movements and sensations.)

2. Notice the mind’s wanderings
The point here isn’t to beat yourself up about the fact that your mind wanders, it’s rather just to notice when it does. The mind will wander to things outside of yourself, judgements and ideas about what your eyes are taking in. Or, it may wander down imaginary paths of possible futures, or conversely travel back and rehash events that have passed. Some of the mind’s wanderings may be distractive in nature and some may just feel plain lousy. Many may be useless and of no value. Just notice that your mind and your awareness has wandered outside of your body, outside of the walking meditation.

3. Interrupt the wanderings by cultivating gratitude
This step first serves to interrupt the wanderings of the mind. We need to interrupt the mind’s wanderings and give it something else to focus on because its wanderings have become habitual. This step then serves to cultivate thoughts that will bring you more contentment, joy, and peace. This will allow you to more easily regain your center and come back to the present moment. See if you can mentally express gratitude about something relevant to the physical moment you’re in. This can be done no matter what you are doing. You can be thankful about your ability to walk, to breathe, to be alive. The blue of the sky, the sun on your face, the eyes with which you see. Or, if you’re walking to your job, there’s probably something to be grateful about in that. Even if you’re walking down the stairs to do your laundry, there are many things you can come up that are worth cultivating gratitude for. While in the shower, why not be grateful for the running water? After practicing this, you will more easily notice when your mind wanders and it will be easier to bring your awareness back.

4. Take a few deep breaths, inhale long, exhale long, and then repeat Step 1
After the expression of gratitude, take a few long, deep, conscious breaths in and out. Put your focus on the breath, on breathing in air long and slowly and breathing out air long and slowly. Then come back to your body awareness (see Step 1).

Try to do this as many times a day as possible, and see what happens. Are you more clear throughout your day? Calm, and at peace? Are focus and concentration coming easier to you? Are you less forgetful and frenzied? I can tell you this works amazingly well for me. The more you can do it the better, and longer periods or walks outside work well, too. But don’t be intimidated by feeling you need lots of time, or special situations. Like I mentioned, you can do this anywhere, during any part of your day.

You’ll probably be quite surprised by what you discover. When you stop going in too many directions and just be where you are, when you are… things really become a whole lot simpler.

The mind can go in a thousand directions, but on this beautiful path, I walk in peace.
With each step, the wind blows. With each step, a flower blooms.
~Thich Nhat Hanh

Do you have a short, easy mindfulness practice that you use often? Or another way to gain inner peace, clarity and or focus when you’re busy? I’d love to hear about it!

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• Healthier Productivity: An Easy Strategy to Prevent Burnout
• Accepting Suffering and A Call for Compassion

This is a guest post by Melissa at Mindful Construct. Follow her on Twitter.

Feelings are for the present moment... It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow. ~Melody Beattie

Emotions are like the current of a river. They’re in constant flow. Sometimes they’re turbulent.

But emotions can slow down too. They can take on the serenity of a calm lake tucked away in a meadow.

It’s the serenity that you strive for, because serenity means that your mind is clear and connected to your heart. Serenity means that you can be present in your life, mindful of each precious moment that is yours to experience.

But how do emotions go from being turbulent and fast-changing to calm and serene? It seems that most of the time, the negative emotions cause more harm than good. They interrupt your life, cloud your thinking, and some of them are really painful.

Well, the answer is so simple it might surprise you.

Emotional serenity comes from letting your emotions run their course, because once they do and you respond to them mindfully, serenity and clarity will naturally result.

It’s natural for emotions to go from turbulence to serenity, as long as you are willing to let them unravel naturally and respond to them constructively.

Let your emotions run their course

Letting your emotions freely run their course seems like a daunting task. If negative emotions run their course, won’t they wreak havoc in your life?

Won’t anger become destructive, jealousy turn to hatred, fear lead to failure, and grief sink into despair? These negative emotions only intensify and become difficult to manage when you do not attend to them and let them run their course.

When negative emotions unravel freely, they don’t draw out for years and years, remaining unresolved and harmful to your health, and toxic to your relationships. Instead, they intensify for a time, and once they are genuinely and fully expressed, they pass — just as the waters in a river are in constant flow.

For emotions to run their course, all you need to do is follow these three simple steps:

1) Accept that all of your emotions have value, meaning that they signal important information to you about your thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and your environment.

2) Express your emotions in safe and appropriate ways. It may need to be in private with a pen and journal, or maybe a foam bat and pillow. Or it may need to be in the company of someone you trust, like a good friend or a therapist.

The key to this step is not to censor, rationalize away, or negatively judge what you are really feeling. You may feel like a two-year throwing a tantrum. That’s okay — the fit will pass. In order for the emotion to reach resolution, it must be clearly heard, felt, and later on, understood, for that is the path to serenity.

3) Remember that your emotions are simply your reactions to your internal (e.g., thoughts) and external (e.g., relationships) environments, and it is by uncovering them that you learn more about yourself and what you need in order to be happy, healthy, and successful in life. Remembering this will motivate you to stay focused on mindfully accepting all of your emotions as valuable to your self-growth.

There are many ways to follow the three steps above, and you’re bound to find that certain methods work better than others. The important thing is that you actively seek those ways that work best for you, because throughout your life, you’re going to experience many emotions that need a safe outlet to be expressed and listened to.

Following the three steps will also help you stay focused on the present, find solutions to problems once you are aware (thanks to your emotions) that they exist, and increase your understanding in order to make your future the best that it can be.

Respond mindfully to your emotions

When you let your emotions run their course, then something beautiful happens.

You already know how valuable it is to let your joy, happiness, optimism, wonder, and gratitude grace your life.

But when you let your anger, fear, jealousy, or even disgust run their course… they lead you to the truth behind their origination. All of a sudden it’s clear why you were so angry, fearful, jealous, or disgusted. You can see the thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and environmental triggers that brought the negative emotions into play.

And then you can quickly identify the real problems that need to be fixed, whether they are internal (e.g., a dysfunctional belief), or external (e.g., a dysfunctional relationship).

Reap the rewards

This means that letting your emotions run their course allows you to be more logical than you ever could before expressing the emotions. Because your understanding of the situation that gave cause for the emotions, and your understanding of yourself, will have significantly expanded.

It is from that expanded awareness that you can use your negative emotions constructively. You no longer have to lash out or fight your feelings or distract yourself from the pain… because you know what needs to be done to take care of your needs and fix real problems.

That expanded awareness helps you discover the best way to respond to the situation that gave cause for the emotional reaction. Part of discovering the best way to respond is by using the important information about your life and your place in it — that only your emotions could deliver to you in an immediate, significant, personally-relevant way.

Emotional serenity

Emotions are like the current of a river. They’re in constant flow. Sometimes they’re turbulent.

But it’s their turbulence that contains a message, about you and for you. So that you may respond to life in healthy ways, from a place of serenity and self-awareness.

Emotions can slow down too, become like a calm lake tucked away in a meadow. These emotions take on the form of inner-peace, tranquility, self-love, confidence, gratitude, and compassion.

It’s only after you allow your more turbulent emotions to flow with the strong current of a river that they transform into what they were meant to be: vital signals about your life, that you listen to — that you need to listen to in order to experience more longer-lasting, serene emotional states that nurture your heart, mind, spirit, and being.

Try incorporating these keys to emotional serenity today, and feel free to share your experiences in the comments below.

About the Author: Melissa Karnaze writes about the intelligence of emotions on Mindful Construct and Twitter.

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• Accepting Suffering and A Call for Compassion

Lately, I’ve been sort of disturbed by all the positive psychology out there that seems to neglect one basic thing: We all suffer. If we are human, we will suffer, and to deny that is denying a very important part of our existence.

Sure, we don’t want to suffer, but alas, we do, and sometimes there’s nothing we can do to avoid it: things happen that are beyond our control, and we hurt because of them. If we take the positive psychology movement at face value, it negates something very vital, something that’s very much a part of the human experience, and we cannot live a rich, full life without acknowledging it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for cultivating a positive attitude, but not to the point where we become desensitized. The relentless pursuit of happiness, the focus on it to the exclusion of pain and suffering, is very limiting. It may initially feel safe, but the insulation required trying maintain this state in the face of all things becomes suffocating, both for ourselves and the world around us.

When we judge our own pain or that of others as not valuable or negative, we deny part of our humanness. And in doing so we live in a fragmented state, disconnected from ourselves and from others.

Do people really stop and slow down at accidents on the highway because they have a lust for gore? I don’t so; I think subconsciously we are trying to break out of that insulation, to find something that will reconnect us with our aliveness, yet we don’t know how.

Suffering is a common thread that is shared by all of human existence. But being in touch with our own suffering helps us cultivate compassion, for ourselves and for others. Yet we try so hard to disconnect to that which makes our existence wholer and more meaningful. Where is the compassion for ourselves, and for our neighbors? Do we really, as the human race, want to continue to disconnect from something that unites us all?

Listen to how the news is conveyed. Machinegun style, bulleted facts about death, accidents, horrific and disturbing events. Behind those news items, people are hurting. Families have lost loved ones. Our very human brothers and sisters are suffering. Where is the emotion? Where is the compassion?

The content of the news is negative, we all know that. But the very way the news is communicated sends a dangerous, inhuman message for society to internalize: Do not connect with suffering, do not connect with compassion. Disconnect from your emotions if they are not positive, and disconnect from others, too.

If Mother Teresa delivered the same news stories, or Jesus, the Dalai Lama or Buddha, would they be able to convey them in the same manner? How different would they sound, and what effect would that have on those of us who watch and listen?

I think we’d be moved.

Our own suffering, and that of our human brothers and sisters, would be validated. Instead of shunned, sensationalized, or veiled behind a meaningless cloak of “objectivity”, it would be brought into the light. And whatever is brought into the light can be healed.

I think we’re tired of living in a world that’s so desensitized. We’re tired of always putting on our “best face” for the world to see. When people are suffering they don’t want to hear “Cheer up”. “Be strong” also implies that’s it’s not okay to feel weak. People hide when they’re hurting because they don’t want to go out in a world that’s not going to accept them.

And it’s not that the suffering need pity, either, because no one wants that. What people need most is to be validated. To know and to feel that they are understood, that their experience is real, authentic, and that they are still worthy of acceptance.

Being fully and wholly alive requires awareness, acceptance and loving kindness for ourselves and for others. It means embracing all of life, of which suffering, pain, loss and sorrow are a genuine part. We cannot simply just stomp them out, they are part of our experience.

The emotional river of life that connects us all includes so many things; suffering is just as much a shared human experience as happiness is, and deserves equal acknowledgement. We must let the river of life flow, we cannot choose which emotions to let through and which ones not to. It doesn’t work that way.

To be there for others, to recognize when someone is in need, we need to first be there for ourselves. And that requires compassion. If we can accept our own suffering as valid, and allow ourselves to experience it without judgement, we also become more open to accepting it in others, and we become more connected.

In acknowledging pain and loss we are all given the chance to be made anew, to become whole again. If we accept this, we create an opportunity for healing. And when we realize that all human beings suffer, we open to finding our compassion, and through that we are able to embrace ourselves, and others too, with loving kindness.

It is from there that we can affect real positive change, in ourselves, and in the world around us.

We see through the veils in ourselves and others. We are able to more present with all things. We recognize the behaviors in ourselves and in those around us that arise out of avoidance to feeling pain. We cease needing to change the things we can’t and we stop taking them personally. In doing so we become more empowered to change the things we can.

We become more able to celebrate life, to honor and cherish it in ourselves and in others. We don’t have to hide from pain, or sorrow, wherever we happen to find them. We cease feeling alone, and we’re more able to be there for others. We become fully present and able to savor the joyful moments and happy times, however big or small, and we stop missing the opportunity to create more of them.

Life is wondrous, mysterious, and vast. Let’s give our own suffering, and that of others, the breathing room it deserves. It’s part of the human condition. Of course we want to be happy, and we want happiness for those we care about, too. There’s something very natural in that.

But if we want to live a life of fullness, if we really want to experience the rapture of being alive, we must accept and be present with all things. We must realize that the human experience is one great wonder in which joy, sorrow, happiness and loss all play their part. Then we open to discovering there is something beautiful we have the power to cultivate, something universally healing that not only unites but also transforms. Something that from the dust and ashes of sorrow and suffering eventually gives way to meaning, and allows fresh joy and happiness to arise anew. And that is compassion… and it begins, within.

Be the change you seek in the world -Ghandi

Be kind to others. But be kind to yourself, too.
Suffering is not meaningless. No one should have to suffer alone…
Because in actuality, none of us really do.

Related Elsewhere and Worth Reading:

• A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life by Leo at Zenhabits
• Love & Compassion Can Defeat Suffering & Depression by Lisis at UrbanMonk
• The Darker Side of Positive Thinking by Bud at ABoundlessWorld
• Is Happiness a Worthwhile Goal? by Mary at GoodlifeZen
• Nobody Trips Over Mountains by Lisis at QuestforBalance
• Love, Sorrow, and Attachment by Albert at UrbanMonk
• How a Broken Heart Mends Herself by Melissa at MindfulConstruct
• Zen and The Awakened Soul by Dayne at TheHappySelf
• When We Don’t Speak of Death by Robin at Naked In Eden Blog

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